Jesus tell me what I want!

"Following false copies of the good, that no sincere fulfillment of their make." ~ Dante

"If it is what I wanted, why am I so disappointed when I get it? If what a man really wanted was food, how could he be disappointed when the food arrived?" ~ C.S. Lewis, The Pilgrim's Regress

"Take a good, hard look at your life. Think it over.
You have spent a lot of money, but you haven't much to show for it.
You keep filling up your plates, but you never get filled up.
You keep drinking, and drinking and drinking, but you're always thirsty.
You put on a layer of clothes, but you can't get warm.
And the people who work for you, what are they getting out of it?
Not much- a leaky, rusty bucket, that's what.
[That is why the God-of-the-Angel-Armies said:]
Take a good, hard look at your life. Think it over." ~ Haggai 1:5-7, The Message Bible

"Jesus, tell me what I want!" ~Pastor Robin Ricks


I talk to Mom on the phone almost everyday...I wish you could all meet her, she's so rad. On one particular day last month we were talking and she told me about the sermon at church that morning...she did not go much further than telling me the thesis statement:

JESUS TELL ME WHAT I WANT.

It was enough.

I have been chewing on that for awhile now...that's how much that one statement has affected me...(and apparently, I am not the only one- sister Beth just wrote a song for her new album with the same title!)

In an attempt to tire out my mind last night, I continued on in my re-reading of "The Pilgrim's Regress" (one of the great, lesser known CS Lewis peices). I think I have read the book at least ten times since college...its a beloved book....the pages are worn and many of the top corners bent back to remind me of a particularly poignant passage...at least three colors of ink are represented in underlines and arrows and notes...

My dogs do this weird thing where they find a place in the grass that they like the smell of and they return there every time at the park and just roll around on that spot...kicking and rubbing their backs into the grass until they can smell it on themselves... that's a good picture of how I feel toward this book...I want to bask in it until its truths are aromas that linger on my person...

The story is about a boy named John, who as a child, sees a beautifully alluring Island through a portal window in the gate of his parents' garden. He is quickly whisked away by his nurse, but as he grows, he never forgets the Island and the feeling that it gave him....he longs for it so much that he will do anything to get the feeling back.... he mistakes lust for the feeling and realizes it too late...and in his disappointment, runs away from home in search of the Island. Along the way, he meets all kinds of characters...and when he tells each of them about the Island, each of them has an idea about what is really is John wants. He is so desperate to have the feeling, that is often taken in by these characters (who are named for and represent different philosophies and ideals). It is after one particularly disheartening encounter that John exlaims:

"If it is what I wanted, why am I so disappointed when I get it? If what a man really wanted was food, how could he be disappointed when the food arrived?"

I read that passage last night and I thought about Pastor Rick's sermon and I thought about what God spoke to the Israelite people through the prophet Haggai...and all of the those loose end thoughts came together in my mind.

I slept on it. Sometimes that helps.

Rainbows took over the park this morning. We walked up there and the sprinklers were all on over an acre of land and the sun was shining and the dogs were barking and running through them. And rainbows were everywhere. That helped too.

If I were to make a list of common human experiences that I am no one escapes, diappointment would be high on the list. I mean, who has not experienced it? Who hasn't felt its prick? Who hasn't at least once collasped under its weight?

Haggai has long been my favorite book of the Bible...those verses (1:5-7) have always been highlighted in my mind...they resonate with me..."Think about your life! Examine it!" they urge..."You stuff yourself, but you are still hungry! You buy things and they erode! You save money and still have nothing! You drink all day and your thirst never is satisfied!" they conclude and then call us to honesty again "Think about your life! Examine your ways!"

Spinning your wheels...its that sydrome to which the passage speaks. Its like running on a treadmill, looking out the window, never going anywhere, while real life is passing by outside.

Its depression...its purposeless living...its something we battle.

Why?

Because we don't know what we want. We think we do. We may not admit it, but we are not untlike John in the story...so desperate to find and keep a fleeting moment of truth and hope and beauty that we once felt...that we once saw...that we once heard. We have run off in search of it and found so many other things... the Peddlers always seem so confident. We think that this time they really know our heart's longing. We hope against hope. We cross our fingers and plead for something more than false advertising.

We are so easily taken in.

And when the newness has worn off and the excitement died down ...we find ourselves still hungry, thirsty, poor.

Why?

Because we don't know what we want. We think we do. But we don't.

The rainbows took over the park and he sprinklers were on and the sun was shining and the dogs were running through the it all. The rainbows took over the park and a REAL sense of joy and peace and contentment swept over me and took hold. I put down the leashes and ran through the sprinklers with them, laughing and chasing, getting soaked. If you had asked me last night what I'd rather have in the morning: a remodeled home or thinner body or a park full of rainbows and sprinklers and wet dogs.... I wouldn't have picked the park.

I don't know what I want.

JESUS, TELL ME WHAT I WANT.