Curious Kate

when i was home at my parents this summer, i rediscovered my love of 'curious george' books. my two year old brother, josh, thinks those books are the best. i think he has good taste.

you know, i guess if anyone had ever directly asked me, 'are you a curious person, kate?' i would have been quick to answer 'yeah...just call me 'curious kate'" with the most charming smile i could manage at the moment.

and i really believed it too. after all, i have always loved reading and knowing and science and obscure facts. i still have my human genetics book from high school because i am always curious about the human body. i even listen closely and have a million questions about my dogs when i take them to the vet. i asked a million questions when we bought our house about property value and taxes and morgage options. i definitely considered myself curious.

'what about really working on becoming an honestly curious woman, kate?' my counselor cara asked me on wednesday.*** (i am going to start using "***" for tangent comments you can read at the bottom of the post, if you wish) i had been doing my best responsive listening...leaning forward on my elbows, making unwavering eye contact, filling silences with the appropriate 'yeahs' and 'uh huh's. her comment caught me off guard and i found myself sitting back. when i thought about it later, i knew my eyebrows were raised with that expression that says 'what the heck do you mean, lady?'

i had abruptly left 'good listener' state and moved to 'defense mode'

i was offended. she asked me to become a curious woman, implying that i am not. offense is the word. she might as well have called me lazy or stupid or a non-intellectual... all of these things were my opposite for curious.

a few days of processing has given me a better antonym... how about arrogant?

if the word fits, name it.

sure...i am intellectually curious...genetics, housing markets, words, politics, medicine...i want to know it all. i have a million questions.... questions about topics. questions about issues. questions about factual information.

just not questions ABOUT people.

just not questions FOR people.

if the word fits the sin, name it.

allow me to introduce to you my most recently uncovered sin: arrogance.

you see, its taken me a little over 25 years, 15 months of marriage, and a good counselor to help me see that when it comes to people, i just think i have it all figured out.

when someone does something- good, bad or ugly- i rarely question why even in my mind. i almost never actually ask. i guess i just didn't think i had to. i grew up in a family that took everyone in...i have known a lot of different kinds of people...i grew up seeing and knowing a lot of things kids usually aren't exposed to. i learned to deal with difficult and wounded people. i lived with two parents who are maybe some of the best judges of character ever. us kids had to either embrace this unique perspective on life or hate our life. we chose to embrace our parents indentity of our home as a haven and refuge. i have no regrets about my childhood...it was beautiful and i am so thankful for it.

its just that somewhere along the way this beautiful scenery became something i internalized as a kind of puffed up knowing. i just didn't see it. isn't that just the way it is? we really don't see ourselves well...

cara was a good mirror. she offended me, but she was a good mirror.

i am realizing how hard it is for me to believe that maybe i don't know why my husband does the things he does...that maybe the little things that annoy me or the bigger things that hurt me, may not be what i think they are after all. maybe there are things so outside of me that no amount of analyzing or people skills or human insight can help me to see. perhaps he's not as i have pigeon holed him. maybe i should ask...and stop over-thinking it all long enough to let him speak and to let myself listen...to make room to believe the reality might be different that i had counted on it being...

...hmm...

God, bring questions back into my vocabulary...and inquisitiveness back to my heart...back into the place where arrogance had grown so undetected...


*** yes, i am seeing a counselor. she has been a God-send to my life. in a perfect world, i think older women would counsel younger women for no fee...and we would sit for long hours, drinking freshly roasted coffee, and just talk and share and learn. this really should happen in the Church too...but let's face it: the world is far from perfect, as is the Church. So i pay for a good amount for that type of connection each week and i am not ashamed to say so. You won't catch me wearing a "Team Tom' shirt...i don't think the key to mental and emotional help is always just 'exercise and vitamins'...i say cheers to counselors and advisors and medications (when they are appropriate). okay that's my side note***