being still

I decided the other day that I am going to get back to blogging. Cohen is starting to almost sleep through the night and we are coming out of the "new baby fog" and its just high time I get back to something 'normal'. I think I am going to commit to blogging everyday - no matter what!- for at least a month. I keep experimenting with new blogs and its not easy friends! I love my .mac account, but currently its not publihsing new info and it says it has an "idenitfied publishing error"..so who knows! Its frustrating...that's about all I can gather from the situation. Until I finally make myself visit a mac "genuis", expect to be finding my daily blogs here.

Cohen is sucking on his fist and happily swinging in his very cushy baby papasan cradle swing... the dogs are drying off in their crates downstairs (they got caught in the rain outside while I was showering! oops!)..and I have a few minute to spare before Eduardo gets here to give me an estimate on some work.

No one tells you this, but breastfeeding is a full time job. Cohen has gone from 4lbs 10oz to over 13lbs in just 3 months! And let me assure you...that didn't happen on a part time schedule! So everyday, every threee or so hours, I find myself sequestered on the couch, subject to his appetite for often over a half an hour. Maybe that doesn't seem like much to you, but if you do the math its over 4hrs a day.

I know, I know...that;s techincally part time... if you are thinking that, then you have never nursed. I won't get any further into why four hours is really eight for the sake of propriety so you;ll just have to trust me on that one.

When Cohen was about a month old, I ran into a sweet lady who has been a friend of the family for awhile. She's one of those really sincere types that you sometimes find staring into your eyes a little too long after an intense question. She said, "Oh, don't you just love nursing? I mean, the baby needs you more now than he ever will again...ahh....(looking dreamy) I can still remember how much I loved having to be still and just watching my babies..." she trailed off and tears were in her eyes.

If she hadn't been so stinkin' geniune and all teared up, I think I would have said, "don;t you get it? HAVING to be still all that time is the problem!" or maybe I would have just smacked her. Who knows.

But instead, I just smiled, tried to gaze lovingly at Cohen so as to convince her I am still I good Mama despite the fact that I didn't share her mushy feelings on the subject.

Still don't.

We get settled in for nursing... the pillows just right, Cohen positioned comfortably, etc... and the minute he latches on and I realize I am not moving for awhile, my brain gets bombared with a million things I need to do. I look around at the house and start thinking about the dishes and the kitchen floor needing to be mopped and how much I still have to pack up.

Then I look at Cohen. He has his eyes closed. Sometimes I think if he'd ever nurse with his eyes open, I might be more prone to watching him. I try anyway....

tick, tock, tick, tock

...I try some more. I watch his little jaw chomping away. I start thinking about how much he looks like Shawn...then I start thinking about Shawn...he's coming home tomorrow night...I want the house to be together....I want him to see I ahve done some packing...ahh! I need to do some packing! I need to plan! How many more days do we have to pack??!?!

Cohen looks like he is sleeping so I carefully move from the couch to the computer. I click on our calendar so I can count the days left and begin to plan something out in my mind (to stay occupied). The minute I sit down in front of the computer, Cohen starts to cry.

Its like clockwork. It happens every time...still, I try. I try repositioning him. I try stroking his cheek. I try singing to him.

It doens't work.

We move back to the couch and he instantly closes his eyes, settle down and resumes nursing.

He knows. He is only 3 months old (today, actually) and he knows. He knows when he has me still and focused on him and he knows when I attempt to two-time him with a task.

Sometimes I know God must feel the same way with silly old nervous me. I hate being still. I like busyness even if its just in my mind....oh...Its a good thing God is patient in teaching us the same things over and over and over and over....(you get the idea).

At least this time, the 'tool' he's using to teach me is so dang adorable I almost don't mind the lessons!