Katie Ka-BOOM!

well its Sunday morning and i feel like a train hit me... its terrible to have some many of 'those' days in a row, y'know?

i don't know if any of you remember the Animaniacs cartoon? well there was this character on there called Katie Kaboom- she was a teenager and when she'd fight with her family, she would literally explode... at some point in my teenage years my dad referred to me by that same name and for apparent reasons it stuck.

i would say the worst thing about me is my temper. i can keep it under wraps for a time, but then when it blows, it really BLOWS. i can go from mildly annoyed (say about a 3) to completely raging (a 10) in a matter of a few seconds when someone says something that really hurts- something that cuts me to the quick.

i have known this about myself ever since it occurred to me to examine myself critically...(a long time- some of us are just naturally critical, yeah?) and yet, knowing isn't 'half the battle' for me..its barely 10% of the battle...knowing hasn't spurred on any great change to date although i wish it had.

i found myself lying on the floor of the hotel room with my face ruined with mascara, wanting to take a giant eraser and just 'clean up' the last few hours of the day...take a word out here or there- remove a hateful look-learn to keep my hands to myself...really anything to make the night different than i realized it had been.

anger is such a powerful force in my life. i love the strength of being good and mad and riled up. i would rather be angry than hurt...crying feels like such weakness to me. i guess somewhere along the way, life taught me that it wasn't okay to be weak or vulnerable or to give someone the chance or position in your life to hurt you. if marriage isn't exactly that- everytihng i have so long feared- than i don't know what it is.

shawn always tells me that if i would just cry or not 'buck up' against him that he would be able to respond with compassion and tenderness so much more easily...and i know that's true and i would say that at the end of an argument, that's all i ever want. is for him to more toward me- to hold me- to have mercy on me- to believe better for me than the person i portray in moments of desperation...and then i go and do the very thing that prevents (or at least dealys) that kind of an ending.

i am learning a couple of new things in the wake of last night- 1.) i am learning that i have the tendency to sabotage good things and 2.) that i seriously have a problem with men-

i should have known them both before...but you know how sometimes you can push something back into the corner of your mind so you don't have to REALLY know its there, evne if you suspect it? its kind of like the parent who might suspect their child is drinking, but then never asks the child or checks up on them because they are afriad to confirm their fears? i think that's the tendency of human nature in general and me, in specific.

i have sabotaged every relationship (minus one) that i ahve ever been in. i am always the one who ends things, the one who finds the imperfections and exploits them, always the one who beahves badly in order to get someone to leave. obviously i don't regret ending the former ones, but i dislike the recently unearthed motivation involved: fear of abandonment. i am looking back on the last few months of being married and realizing that at the bottom of my soul i have been putting my husband to the test- only he has been unaware of it. the test basically boils down to this: if he loves me he will stay no matter what i say or do and if he doesn't than i will find out sooner than later. its embarressing to admit that. really it is. but i really think the desire to be in marriage and be unscathed by hurt is so intense in me that it has crowded out the more reasonable demands of my heart.

it is sinking in this morning that this must change. but how? the how is never a natural progression (at least in my experience)...

the other thing i am coming to is that i have to let my husband off the hook for being a male. i could make some well-backed up arugments for the ways in which the 'evils of society' have caused me and so many other women to have a general distrust of men...i could even make good arguments in my own life why why i have distrust toward men..but in the end, i just have to admit, its me...

if you a pray-er, i could use some prayer. i see things going in a direction that isn't leading somewhere i want to be and yet i know i am not enough to change myself..pray for the powerful move of the Lord in cutting away what isn't His in me..

thanks for reading