Impenetrable.
A good description for a wall...or maybe a fortress. Not such a great description for a person.
I mean who wants to be thought of as:
1. not penetrable; that cannot be penetrated, pierced, entered, etc.
2. inaccessible to ideas, influences, etc.
3. incapable of being understood; inscrutable; unfathomable: an impenetrable mystery
4. Impervious to sentiment or argument: an impenetrable heart.
Not the way you always dreamed being thought of, huh?
Yeah, me either.
Pastor Jason, Shawn, and I were sitting at their counter height dining table (love it!) talking about life and our marriage...well, Shawn and I's anyway... I suppose you could rightly call it marriage counseling, but there are no couches involved...nothing formal...just friends learning from their pastor...
Jason was asking each of us questions and for the most part, they were ones I expected. But when he said, "Kate, what is this thing in you...this impenetrable quality....?" As he went on, the only word bouncing around in my head was- you guessed it - impenetrable.
I fumbled with my answer, taken completely off guard...(something I pride myself in NOT happening often)...I went here and there, remembering random events in High School, siting my parents' personalities...even going as far as to blame birth order.
I knew I wasn't getting anywhere from the look on both of their faces. At the time, Jason said "hmmm" and went on.
But later...when I was alone..just driving back to Ohio, I had to give myself a good grilling.
I mean...impenetrable?!??! Me!?!? Kate McDonald...impenetrable?
I realized either these two who know me so well are WAY off or I am not seeing myself quite clearly these days. I tried hard to convince myself it was the former, but after some arguing, even I couldn't make that case.
I asked myself..."okay, self..what is this internal fortress? Has it always been there? If so, why? And if not, when did it get erected and under what pressure?"
I can remember crying more easily, laughing more freely, opening up without regard for what might happen... But when I tried to think of an instance since college, I could only come with a handful of truly vulnerable moments and most of the time, I was stretching it to make them fit the description.
Ouch. I know you are probably thinking "wait a second, Kate! You are vulnerable on this blog all the time...okay more often in the past, but still..." And I thank you for your kind and generous thoughts toward me, but the darn, plain truth is that I there is a big heart difference between being transparent and being vulnerable. The two can go together, but they don't always. I am good at being transparent and strain and fight against being vulnerable as hard as Cohen fights his nap time. we are in Panera and Shawn has been walking and bouncing him for over 40 minutes...eyes still open and he's still babbling "da da da..na na na!" at the top of his little voice! The apple doesn't fall from the tree, folks.
So now its time to start unraveling that mess.
Pray for me. I need it.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Impenetrable
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9 comments:
Have you read Beth Moore's 'Breaking Free'?
Praying for you.
Hi Kate, I will pray for you...thinking of how I can tend to be, some questions come to mind to think about: Are you really transparent, or are you sharing part of the picture to control how you relate to others? Are you open, or rather engaging, meaning you will share bits and pieces of life when it relates, but are careful that no one knows the full story? For me, I react very badly at the moment, and then later, after I have thought of the "right" answer (or right behavior, or right reaction), I want to change what I said or did...but I never want to just say, I'm wrong, I wish I hadn't said that...etc. etc. I have started making myself say, I'm sorry I was short with you a few minutes ago, I reacted badly (or something like that).
It's so hard to really and truly show the whole picture of yourself to someone. It can be a messy, complicated, shocking experience, and, after really showing this picture, you cannot control what the person sees anymore.
Just some thoughts...
i too have been reflecting on this, trying to understand why i have such a hard time being "free". all the guards down. i don't feel as though i have had a breakthrough yet, or a big revelation from the Lord . . . but simply being aware of it has been a big step already. i am starting to notice more and more at the moment when i am not being as vulnerable as i should . . .
but it is a scary thing. because as much as my barriers have affected my vulnerability with others . . . it has more importantly, affected my vulnerability with Christ. and i think thats where the changes need to start . . .
i will be praying for you as you come to mind :)
I find myself relating with you a lot here in not being as vulnerable and open and free as in the past. I've never quite thought about it before now. I know that for me, anxiety often becomes my excuse for it, but I need to find a way to break through that wall somehow. Thanks for sharing this...recognizing it is a huge step in the process I'm sure.
Kate, thank you for sharing that. I have been given the same label as well as rebellious; and it hurts. I'm thinking of you and praying that you will find the source of it all and find a way to be free again....I'm still working on it.
Lesley from Only One.
Ouch, sister. Thank you for your honesty - it was a great reminder to me. I do struggle with that same balance. It is easy for some of us to be just honest, but being vulnerable? Different story! Admitting weakness and need can be so hard...humiliating...just plain painful. But it is so needful and refreshing in the Christian walk and fellowship with others. God "stiff-arms" the proud, but gives grace to the humble. I tend to live so self-sufficiently - really that's just plain pride. God has rebuked me so many times about my pride, but it is such an integral part of my deprived human nature that He often has to do something big to help me see how deeply rooted this problem is in my heart.
Somehow, it's hard to be vulnerable with those closest (aka, our hubbies or parents or siblings). Talk about revealing and convicting! Anyways, thanks for sharing what God is doing - I needed that reminder.
Kate, the book Emily mentioned is a good one. I read it about 2 years ago - I don't think I ever had a chance to finish it (I borrowed it from someone) but what I read was really good. I'm with her on that one.
I have more to write but I don't have the time at the moment... so more coming soon.
Whoa, I'm always shocked at our similarities when I read your posts. I made similar statements like the one you wrote (there is a big heart difference between being transparent and being vulnerable) twice this week. Building character, phooey. BUT, I love coming out on the other side. God always hooks me up with what I need to get through the refining - but still I say ugh ;-)
oh, and I also want to add a book reading recommendation. Have you read Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers? It's awesome! It's an allegory of the Book of Hosea. The main character (a prostitute during the California Gold Rush) is very impenetrable. But what God's redeeming love does to that wall is amazing. He is such a gentleman.
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