the crossroads

good morning... the forecast is rain until friday... and its monday. but guess what i just saw through the windows of this little cafe? SUNLIGHT. thank you, Jesus. just a little of it filtering through the trees is enough to bring a smile to my face.

well if you read yesterday's lecture from atop the soapbox...and especially those of you who commented, thank you. thanks for reading and taking the time to toss in a few cents of your own and to process with me. i am a fire ball...about the only thing i never get accused of is lacking passion. which is okay, as long you don't mind the occasion explosion of it!

on the way to church after i posted the blog, i recanted my feelings to shawn as he sat quietly. this always makes me a little nuts...i am used to recanting to mom or beth or aunt deb and getting fueled on...he just takes it in and waits nearly a whole two minutes before responding (imagine that! *grin*) he had wise words when he (finally) found them. in fact, he said much of what sara d. did on the comments.... the world is full of sin in and out of the church and compassion and love is necessary. i choked it down. 'but i am still mad.' 'you can be mad, just don't hate the church'. (shawn) 'okay. fine then. i don't hate her. but i am mad.' (a long pause followed that statement...well a long pause for me, anyway) 'REALLY mad.'

church was nice....all colors of people where there and i really like that. the message was good. we discovered they have 'young professionals' on saturday nights. that's on the calendar.

a dear friend called last night and we played the catch up game. when we had finally worked our way up to the present time, i told her about the incident at the coffee shop. i had been thinking all day about what shawn said...about how its all about sin...sin that we all have... but i process better out loud (in fact, if i was along writing this i would probably be saying the words aloud- seriously. ....and yes, i am one of those people who talks to myself in the car...morning confessions! *grin*) so i processed it with tiff. here's basically a few of my thoughts this morning:

-yes, i do agree that we all have sin and are capable of acting in it at any given moment. man, catch me at a bad moment and you could easily brand me 'hyprocrite'. and yes i do need to be compassionate toward the church...and i want to be. you know how sometimes love meant your mom was going to wail on your behind? well i am just ready for us (as the western church) to get a serious whipping.

-second, to be it goes beyond one person's sin... there is a bigger problem. i see one older, grouchy woman who hurt a child, yes. but the conditions had to be set to allow that to happen... she had to be taught that it was okay to respond that way...that choir practice in-attendance was not choosing God first...she had to be a part of a body that never fostered in her the maturity to listen to the Holy Spirit in moments of dealing with people...she was allowed to grow old and grouchy with no one challenging her to remain soft...her age brought her bitterness, not sweetness- where is Jesus in that? and not only was she permitted to be that way...but they put her in a place of leadership- over children! Jesus said it was better for someone to have a millstone tied around their neck and drowned than to face what He had for them if they caused a child to stumble. if we, the church, really took that to heart, wouldn't we be more careful who we had tended those little sheep? the problem is deeper...

-the final thought i have is really a crossroads for me... i am really wrestling with the question of where to find the Church. because that's what i want to be a part of. i am really done with religion. i know its a 'cool' catch phrase in christianity...but i mean it. i am over the religious activities and business- done with it. i want to be able to exclaim with Paul that i want only to know Christ and Him crucfied..to share in the power of the resurrection and have fellowship in His suffering. none of the trappings appeal to me anymore.

--what if we are on the wrong course? should we be afraid to honestly look at ouselves...to 'work out our salvation with fear and trembling'? the thing about groups of people (just ask any sociologist) is that they get going on something and the natural inclination is to never look back..to never take a time-out and evaluate. the church has become a machine... a well oiled one to boot...but what if we aren't heading in the right direction? than does it matter how well put together we are? Jesus wasn't easy on the well-oiled machine-religion of the jews, why would we think he'd hold us less accountable? --

i don't feel alone at the crossroads...i can hear the shuffling of feet around me on every side...the thick fog hides our faces, but i can feel the warm breath of the anxious, desperate ones and hear their hearts pounding nearly out of their chests...the same way i hear my own while i am lying in the nighttime silence on my bed. there is a rising up...i have sensed it perhaps all of my life, burning within me, and now i see it everywhere i go. the forceful people of the kingdom are gathering strength and looking to advance the Kingdom on every front.

just watch the movie, Luther, and see if you can hear it inside of you... that pounding...