heavy heartedness

I haven't blogged in awhile now. I know with the announcement of the baby I thought I would be blogging more, but...well... I am sitting at the computer and the TV is mindlessly running. I think bull riding is on...it was a dog show earlier, but Sawyer couldn't quit barking at the TV so I flipped the channel without even looking. Last night was the third storm for Seattle in a row..wind whipping all around the house and rain pouring down. It feels like it has been raining for a year non-stop.

I hate the rain.

There's a big picture window to my right. Its the only window in the house that doesn't have blinds covering it...they broke awhile back and I just haven't replaced them. In the summer it was the perfect window...sunlight breaking through the trees and making the hammock visible..bamboo acting as a backdrop. I loved sitting here, writing and thinking and looking out the window. The sight isn't so glorious now...leaves and random junk that has blown in are now cluttering the yard. I can't help but wonder if our hilly yard is starting to slide with the immense amount of rain. It could happen. I saw it on the news this morning at 5. Someone's yard just washed away.

I am digressing. My High School English teacher always said that. I think she digressed about England mostly because she loved it...wanted to live there; wanted to be English. I am digressing because I don't know if I want to say what I am going to say... somehow its just easier to talk about the rain and the leaves and yards slipping away.

I used to hear people say that they had lost themselves and I would piously think, 'what hippy nonsense' and go along with my very black and white life where the right thing to do always seemed so stinking obvious.

I was really naive.

Its funny how a couple of years, major life transitions, and a move across the country will change your perspective on what circumstances you could imagine life ending up in. I am sitting in a house that I own, with a pack of pups downstairs that are mine, with my legally bound husband a few feet away, bills to be paid on the counter all bearing my name, my things put away and left out all around me... I probably have more things to attribute to my name than I ever have before. I probably have more titles associated with me than ever before. I have roles and accomplishments and things to look forward to...

...and I have never felt so lost.

You know, when I get really still and I can think straight about my life, its not a mystery why I am where I am. I don't need to hire an analyst to determine the causes or lay on a couch and pant for someone's insight...

I would give a large sum of money if I could find some way to press 'pause' on life for a few days...just have a good hearty cry and get some sleep and figure a few things out before it all started spinning again...ever feel like that?

I went to the Passion 07 conference in Atlanta for a couple of days last week. I got to share a room with my sweet sis..we giggled and told secrets and ate dippin' dots. I love her like I love no one else in the world. There is nothing like spending a few precious days with someone who knows and 'gets' you...no explaining, no defending, no games.

It was also good to be apart of something. I can be very cynical about conferences where 22 thousand 20-somethings get together and all pumped up for a few days to go out and change the world...but I also know how those 'get pumped up and save the world' times in my own life changed me..how they inspired me and spoke into my life. I miss the deep conversations that sprung up in my heart from those times.

Beth Moore spoke and I caught two of her sessions and it felt like I was getting CPR. LIFE! When that woman speaks its with authority and I always feel like she is speaking right to me. I know in a room of thousands probably a lot of people feel that way...and maybe God divides it up into the right pieces for each person...

I left those talks knowing in my core the things I needed to change...the little things I needed to let go of, the places in my heart that needed revisiting, the way I needed to cry out to God and just get on my face.

As any of you know who have been there...its just easier said than done. I am struggling to cling to truth, to just hold on...

Just feel like I am in the middle of an uphill battle.

Everyone says being pregnant is the greatest time in your life...now before I go on, don't get me wrong: I love this baby. Its crazy to love a little undeveloped someone you have never seen and unless you've been pregnant, I can't tell you how, but I do.

Still this has not been the best time in my life. A normally high energy person, I am tired all of the time. I fall asleep around 8 and wake up around 9 and don't feel the least bit rested. I have terrible dreams about the baby...always delivering early when the baby isn't old enough to live...during the day I wonder often if they baby is still alive or if when we go to the ultrasound this Wednesday the technician will look at me and regretfully say, 'Mrs McDonald, the baby has passed. I am sure it was nothing you did..these things happen..I am sorry' Horrible. I know. This is what I am dealing with.

I felt a little better when the midwife assured me nearly 40% of women go through this depression and anxiety during pregnancy...still I had gone in there with my 'TEAM BROOKE' shirt on, ready to ask for whatever medication they might be willing to give me...only to find its not really safe to be on medication while pregnant. She told me to get sleep and exercise and eat as much natural food as a I can.

I know its an attack.

Beth Moore extrapolated on taking thoughts captive. What she said made sense and I am trying.

I am reading through Psalm 18...trying to visualize God as my deliverer..its a good one...you should check it out. Might be good strength for you at some point down the road when you find yourself struggling to stay afloat.

I know this post is depressing. THese are the ones that are hard to crank out...when you half wonder what people will think, but the need to purge is so great you take the chance that everyone will think you are losing it.

Anyway... whatever you think, if you could put that energy into praying that God will hold my head above water, I thank you. We have the ultrasound Wednesday and I am just trying not to panic...

"He sent from on high, He took me. He drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my stay. He brought me foth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:16-19