the isolation bug

have you ever taken a personality test? how about the meijers briggs test?

INFJ. yep, that's me.

for those of you who know what that means, there's some inside info..those of you who are staring blankly at that computer screen, go and look it up and take the test. fun stuff.

just so we are all on the same page, "I" is for introvert. i am not an extreme introvert, in fact i almost right in the middle of those two characteristics and just always lean a little harder that way. this basically means, i get energized by my time alone and yet i still like to be with people.

i always know something is wrong when i am spending ALL my time with people...it usually means i don't want to face something that cannot be escaped in the quiet. and likewise, i always know something is wrong when i don't want to spend ANY time with people...usually means i know what is lurking in the quiet and i don't want anyone else to know.

i have the isolation bug. and unlike the flu, it never comes in with a bang, stays 24 hrs and then leaves. no... it kind of creeps in slowly and just hangs on.

i think its been circulating in my system for a month or more now, but i really FELT it this week. it finally made a blip on my radar when i realized i didn't want to go to Bible study thursday night. i said it outloud to shawn who looked as surprised as i felt..."why?" he asked incredulously...incredulously because i look forward to thursday night all week long...i started going while he was on tour and thursday nights ever since have been a highlight in my week... its the most amazing group of women...each week someone shares their testimony- and i am not talking about a 10 min. thing, either- usually someone shares for almost an hour and no painful chapters or glory filled moments are skipped. after months of living in seattle and not having a place that i could open up with women, this has been life/heart/soul saving to me.

and i didn't want to go.

i piddled around the house until almost the last minute, arguing with myself...trying to imagine how i'd feel if i stayed home...would there be relief? could i go to sleep early? and trying to decide how bad it could feel to be left out...would i be missed? would i never get to hear the person's life story again?

then i remembered kess was the one sharing. and kess just moved to south carolina monday. it tipped the scale. i had to see her. i threw on some clothes and felt ugly, though i tried to do something with my hair. finally decided it didn't matter and got in my car.

it was a beautiful night...we prayed over a dear friend who was struggling and it was so REAL..and kess shared and we sent her off (sadly, for us) knowing what good lies ahead for her. i am so glad i didn't miss it.

but friday night, the isolation bug won and i stayed at home. the relief wasn't as good as i had hoped, but i didn't have to get dressed and deal with feelings of inferiority so i figured 'oh well'. saturday i was supposed to hang with friends during the day i thought, but lines got crossed and my stupid phone gave me messages the morning after, and so i ended up being at home again. alone with the millions of thoughts and fears and insecurities that i have been living with recently. sometimes they feel like a pesky fly that i keep swatting at and missing... sunday we worked on the house and cleaned and played with the dogs and at least the sunshine poked through the clouds for the afternoon.

yesterday shawn's friend and his wife came into town. all day i was dreading it, although i love his friend and have been wanting to meet his wife for ages. i kept thinking, 'maybe i will go to the gym' or 'maybe i will take the dogs to the dog park'...i didn't. they came and we chatted. she's beautiful and sweet and sincere. we went to dinner. they left for a show after dinner and i realized i was exhausted. i realized how hard it was for me to spend four hours with people in my house.

something is wrong. that doesn't sound like me.

our friends are here today to hang out and its worrying me that its rainy cause i don't just want to sit in the house and talk all day.

even as i type that, it doesn't sound like me.

it sounds like the isolation bug.

it sounds like i know what is lurking in the quiet and i want to keep it from everyone else.

i kind of feel like i asked myself "how are you doing?' and instead of the normal "fine" answer, I just really unloaded... and now i am frustrated with myself because actually i didn't want to know all of that.

i kind of feel like i feel like i am having a falling out with myself. (i stole that line from my friend sarah...such a genious description! told her i was going to use it...)

i kind of want to tell people when its awkward or when i don't call back or when i am distant: "its not you, its me."

because it is.

tara said last week that a mutual friend of hers said 'depression is anger turned inward'.

i chewed on that and i decided i agree.

maybe the isolation bug is only the symptom of a the greater issue...

hmmm.

i suspect i will agree with that too.

the good news is that in a few days i am heading back to O-H-I-O! i am heading to the midwest to pick up the two little puppies in the last post and since its so close to my parents' home and the sun actually shines there and since my sweet husband suggested it, i am going to extend the trip a few days to just BE with them. my sister and brother and dad are getting home from india and i can't wait to hear the stories and see the pictures...i can't wait to kiss joe and josh's little brown faces! i can't wait to just sit in the living room and see the green fields and the blue skies and smell the aromas that are inextricably tied to my childhood. i am excited to get the puppies...the only thing better than getting a new puppy is having a child to share the experience with! i can't wait to sit in church with the whole bunch of them and hear their voices singing and watch them be moved. but mostly i just can't wait to feel my heart relax, the way i know it will when i am there. there is something very theraputic about being in a place where you are really KNOWN. my family knows me...my faults, my million quirks, my tendencies, my loves... its so natural and effortless to be with them...no pretenses, no feeling ugly, no worries about being misunderstood, no need to hide out. i think it will be a great step in the recovery from isolation. its kind of that same feeling of being a kid and sick and just wanting your mom, you know?

i am feeling sick and i just want my mom.

so i don't think i will be able to write while i am there...death to dial-up! but i hope you have a great week and a lovely father's day and i will check in when i get back.