Right here...Queen of Sabotage

Its the weirdest feeling tonight. I am sitting in the big, dark, moody auditorium at Mars Hill church in Ballard just north of Seattle. I have dig through the merch with Dan (new merch guy) and packed it all away. I ordered the pizzas from Romios that everyone was glad to eat up. I listened and watched as the sound board got set up and Alli and Warren soundchecked and now its Shawn's turn.

I am sitting in a hard chair that's connected to all of the other chairs in this row of about 20 seats. By myself.

Its the weirdest thing to not be realize I am not getting on that tour bus tonight with everyone else in this room. Its the first time I am not going. I was just thinking a few hours ago as I counted t-shirts and CDs how glad I was to be going home to my own bed tonight- how glad I was to not be setting this up and tearing it down for the next 5 weeks. But now that the work is done and everyone is connecting and preparing for the summer camp like experience of living on a bus together, I am sad. It was my choice not to go. But its the first time I am not. And I am sad.

The last week has been crazy getting ready. I think I have been living in my car, running here and there, picking up all the last minute stuff from Target and wherever else. All the laundry is done and the basement is torn up from the rehearsals going on down there. There were suitcases to pack and merch to check on and people to pick up from the airport. And very little time for life. Very little time to be with my husband or to get on my websites and connect with other Bible readers.

Its not been the best week.

I realized a day or two ago that I can be the Queen of Sabotaging things when I'd rather be critical than sad. Its one of those lessons I hope I have learned this time. In my heart, I just wanted it to be best week for Shawn and I. I wanted to be fun and suppportive and excited...the best wife. But looking back, I was mostly sulky and needy and hard to satisfy. I was the leech version of myself. The days were so full there was little time for more than a quick squeeze and a peck on the cheek and I could tell he was trying, but it wasn't enough. I was on the verge of tears and alternately mad at him for going or for being exicited about something that didn't include me and also mad at myself for feeling that way and being unable to conceal it. Luckily, he called me on it a day before this one, in just enough time to pause and try to understand each other...to hold each other and cry.

So today is better, but not great. I am sad, but not sulky. I am aware of my desire to cause tension so it won't be hard for him to leave...its at least a step in the right direction.

I am not sure I have figured this whole wife-of-an-artist thing out just yet. Its weird to have your hubby 24/7 for a whole season of life and then to have to adjust to living on text messaging and 2 minute conversations on a tour bus and being out of the loop....I think we wives need a support group. Maybe I'll start one.

Either way...I am listening to the music and its beautiful. If you make it to a show, you will love it. I can;t help telling you how special my man is...I love watching him up there, singing his heart out...being who God created him to be....but I would be a liar to say I am not going to miss that cute face...