Look who's a quarter of a century OLD

Well.....I turned 25 on Sunday...

You know how someone always asks you on your birthday, 'do you feel older now?' or 'how's (in my case) 25 feel? different than 24?' Usually the asker is joking and as the askee, I joke back with an exaggerated tone : Way older.' or 'way different'.

This year was no different than the years past, except that when I jokingly answered back, I discovered that I really did feel older and yes, different.

My lovable sis called way early in the morning to wish me happy birthday and said 'Kate, I told someone it was your birthday today and they asked how old you were. I said, 'she's 25' and then I gasped. You are 25!'

I am 25. GASP.

Later on in the day, my mom called. Every year on my birthday for as far back as I can remember my mom has told me about my birth. I am her first child and the whole birthing process was a painfully new experience for her....especially since I decided to come out so quickly. The doctor did not even get the chance to scrub in...he just caught me. I am sure it was no laughing matter to her then, but over the years she has always managed to tease me about that..."I should have known I was in trouble then. You just couldn't wait to get out...you had people to meet and things to do." So she called and we relived the same dialogue we always do (and loved it). Then at the end of the conversation she said . "well you are 25. What do you have to say for yourself?"

I uttered the first thing that came to mind. "I will do better next time."

We laughed.

I am not worried about being old...I kind of look forward to getting older and hopefully wiser and more alive as time ticks on in the world we live in. I wish our culture celebrated age as much as it does youth. I have always loved my birthday and I hope I am never one of those women who sits around crying about 30 or 40 or 50...I hope I am glad for the breath in my lungs and for the life I have lived and have yet to live...

I do feel older this year. Twenty four was a year of growing up...

I moved across the country from all my family and friends. I learned a new city and a new culture. I learned how to parallel park a Highlander. I left my life of traveling with my sister and best friend. Learned what it means to miss someone every day. I learned what it means to feel lost and very alone. The word 'helpless' took on new meanings for me. I found out that I love my family more than I thought I could. I discovered that little kids grow up fast when you are away for months at a time. I found out what its like to not be able to make it home for a funeral. I had friends go through miscarriages. I lost my grandma. I know now how hard it is to find a good church. I know how hard it is to make good friends. I learned I do like fish and even sushi. I learned some cooking skills. I have fought despair and depression. I have wondered who I am and what I believe and at times, how to go on. I learned I am weak. I learned I am strong. I have done and said things I am ashamed of. I have done and said things I am proud of. I have said things that were JESUS and done things that were JESUS. I found out that I actually do like dogs (to my mother's disgust). I got one puppy. And then another one. Found out 'being one of the guys' isn't cool once you get married. Wanted to move. Decided to stay. Felt fear. Experienced victory. Failed. Succeeded. I fought in my marriage. I fought for my marriage. I watched God change my marriage. Change Shawn. Change me. I decided rain doesn't really bother me too much. Found out I like tea more than coffee most of the time. Felt jealous. Felt left out. Discovered my own impossible expectations. Learned there is a freedom in letting go. Found out first hand nothing is impossible with God. Prayed fervently for some friends to get pregnant. One couple did. Two still haven't. Read some books that changed my mind (mostly the Bible). Fought my pride.I learned that the drunkness gene in our family probably is in me. I felt my heart get crushed with words. I watched my words crush someone. I found out that holding someone who has hurt you and letting God change your heart is maybe the most exhilarating human experience. I got acquainted with Mercy. Suffering became a friend. I cried because I thought I was pregnant (every one of the first six months of marriage). I cried because I wasn't pregnant (every one of the first six months of marriage). I bought a house. Then painted all of it. Then painted a few rooms again. I pay a hefty mortgage. I admitted I wanted to be a writer. I got mad at myself. I gave myself some grace. I got furious with husband. I found out how much I really love him. I got mad at God. I fought with God. I fell in Love with Him again. I found that there really is Comfort and Friendship with God. Comfort and Friendship that lie outside the ordinary, churchy contexts.

I learned that for all of my years of sunday school/church/church camp/vacation Bible school/youth group/personal study/Bible study/campus crusade meetings/college groups that really the best thing I know is to cry out "help me"...

....and that there is a Listener/Rescuer/Hope Restorer.

May every year be this full....the good and the bad and the ugly and the hard.... and the beautiful things that mined in the middle of it all.